Chuck vs The Memories
by MissFriday
Summary: AU set in season 5. Sarah left part way through season two but Chuck still can't seem to let her go. Part one of three.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: One shot. This is set somewhere at the beginning of season 5 but AU. Sarah left in the middle of season two, and this is how Chuck copes in those three years. Angst a plenty, but I promise to make him happier at the end!**

The day she left him, he didn't see how his world could ever be right again. She gave him no warning, no slight indication that this would be the last time he ever saw her face. If she had he would have memorised it better.

Because it's been three years now and slowly he finds it harder to remember her. He remembers how her eyes were the most beautiful blue he had ever seen, but he can't remember how they used to light up when he made her laugh. He remembers her smile, the one she used to make any man weak at the knees during their missions, but he can't remember the real one she reserved only for him. He remembers the gold of her hair, but he doesn't know the feel of it tickling his cheek.

He remembers Sarah Walker, super spy. But he doesn't remember _her._

After she left he spent four days in bed, his head under the blanket, shut off from the world. It would have been longer, but Casey soon came around and demanded he get up.

"Come on, Bartowski," he'd said, pulling the curtains open to let in the light. "Beckman wants to see you."

And Chuck had moaned, pressing his face into the pillow. He expected Casey to drag him up by the back of his neck but the next thing he knew the mattress sunk and the older man sat down beside him.

"I miss Walker too."

If Chuck hadn't been feeling so horrible, he would have made some joke about Casey allowing his 'lady feelings' to surface. Instead, he turned his face to look at him and waited for him to continue.

"I get it," Casey said, still in that strange, soft tone. "I know what it feels like to lose someone because of this life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone… even an annoying moron."

"Thanks, Casey."

All he got was a grunt in return, as the man lifted himself off the mattress and Chuck assumed he was done sharing.

"Courtyard. Showered. Changed. Ten minutes," was all he said as he left the room, leaving Chuck again but making clear that he wasn't giving him anymore leeway.

He sighed, pushed himself up and rubbed his scratchy face. There was no getting away from the inevitable, he thought as he brushed the cheese balls from his clothes.

The meeting with Beckman had gone pretty much as Chuck had expected it to. The General had told him strictly that he was to be done wallowing; they had a new mission.

"Just because Agent Walker is gone it doesn't mean that this team is to be any less functional. Understood?"

"Yes m'am," Chuck had replied dolefully.

"Good," she said. "And Bartowski, you understand that under no means must you make any attempts to contact Agent Walker? She requested transfer for a reason and you need to accept that."

Chuck nodded, not sure he could trust himself to speak.

"I'm sorry, Chuck." He looked up sharply, and for a moment he could see something else in the General's stern look. Was it sympathy? But then she cut the line and he was left staring at the screen.

So that was it. Sarah was gone, and he was never going to see her again. He wasn't allowed to contact her, although even if he was he doubted she'd speak to him. But was it too much for her to tell him goodbye?

He could feel himself falling inwardly and he felt Casey's hand on his shoulder.

"It gets easier," he muttered. "Not straight away, but it does."

* * *

_"Really?" Sarah asked, laughing. "A whole month?"_

_They were sitting on the couch, after one of Ellie's delicious meals. Devon had his arm wrapped around Ellie and she was telling Sarah stories of Chuck when he was little._

_"Hey," Chuck said, holding his hands up in defence. "I was five! Besides, Superman was a great movie; I was wearing a cape in support of it."_

_"He talked nonstop about it too," Ellie said to Sarah. "Mostly about how pretty Lois Lane was and how he was going to marry her."_

_"Did he now?" She raised her eyebrows at him. "Remind me again what Lois Lane looks like?"_

_"Urm…"Chuck stuttered. "Pretty I guess… brunette –" _

_"Why is it always brunettes?" Sarah asked with a grimace._

_"It's not always brunettes! I mean they're pretty and everything but I think I probably prefer blonde more… at least recently because you're really beautiful, not that you wouldn't look great with brown hair too but I just…"_

_"Chuck." She cut him off with a quick peck on his lips. "You're spiralling."_

_He gave a strange look and she gestured with her eyes towards Ellie and Devon. Of course, it was just for the cover._

_Feigning a laugh which probably came out more strained than he intended, he reached out an arm and wrapped it around her waist. He half expected her to pull away, but instead she came closer and snuggled into his chest. He could have even sworn he heard her give a soft sigh of contentment._

_How could he have ever thought it was real?_

* * *

Three years. Three years without her touch. Three years without her smile. Three years without her laugh.

At Casey's advice, Chuck had thrown himself into his work and his superiors were very impressed with the success of the Intersect. Two years ago, they had decided to train him as a full agent, so that he could defend himself and help Casey out and with Chuck's determination it hadn't taken long.

He had moved out of the apartment he shared with Ellie, and into another in the complex. Morgan had moved in with Casey's daughter, whom they had found about a week after Sarah had gone. Alex was good for Morgan, and after Casey had made it clear that he would break the bearded man's neck if he ever hurt her, the two were very happy together.

Chuck was happy for them too, but he couldn't help the niggling of jealousy he got in the back of his mind sometimes. In three years he hadn't allowed another woman to get close to him, and Ellie had even stopped setting him up with people. He was grateful; he didn't think he had it in him to keep going on these blind dates.

But as the days went on, and he forgot other pieces of her he began to realise that Casey had been right all those years ago. It took a long time, but it got easier.

Ellie and Devon were finally husband and wife and the wedding had been beautiful. They had been a bridesmaid short, but it didn't show because Ellie had thrown herself into making sure the space wasn't seen.

Chuck's niece, Clara, was nearing her first birthday now and she was the spitting image of his sister, the same dark eyes and hair with the signature Bartowski smile. It made him glad that he'd never have to forget her. She was his own little star, part of his family.

The mission that night had gone well, and when Chuck walks back into the courtyard with Casey they're both grinning. Casey's even laughed once or twice and when they reach his apartment he claps Chuck on the shoulder with a "See you tomorrow, Bartowski."

They've become close friends over the past few years and Chuck knows Casey will always have his back, just as he knows the older man will always have his. He'd never tell Morgan, but it's clear that he's got two best friends now.

It's when Chuck looks up that he sees her, and it's like no time has passed at all. Stood beside his front door she's wearing a dark blue dress; he's always loved that colour on her. Her blonde hair is a little longer, but she still wears it down and she's still Sarah.

Sarah.

But he doesn't know what to do. He's been so resigned to the fact that he's never going to see her again that he's unsure what to say. He stands, feet rooted to the ground as he stares at her like she's going to vanish. Because what do you say to the person who left you without a reason, without as much as a goodbye?

So when she offers a shy, "hey, Chuck," he realises that he can't deal with this. She doesn't get to just choose when to come and go in his life without caring that this is tearing him up. She doesn't have that right.

Forcing his feet to move, he walks straight up to his door without another glance at her. He fumbles in his pocket and draws out his keys, his hand shaking slightly as he moves to unlock the door

"Chuck."

He ignores her. He can't go through this again.

"Chuck, look at me."

No, he thinks. If he looks at her for too much longer it'll all come flooding back and all those things he's forgotten about her will return and it'll be so much harder when she leaves again. He can't do that.

"Chuck, please."

He's not sure what it is that finally makes him turn around. It might be that his heart is winning over his head, it might be the feel of her arm on his, but it's the vulnerability in her voice that seems the most likely. She's pleading with him. Sarah Walker, the strongest person he's ever known, is begging.

So he turns, slowly, and then he sees her. Really sees her. Her makeup is smudged as though she's been crying which makes no sense because Sarah Walker never cries. She's not standing as she usually does, tall and confident. She seems smaller somehow. But her eyes are the same. Those beautiful blue eyes are still there, the ones he often got lost in but didn't care if he was found again.

She was still Sarah.

"What do you want?" his voice comes out harsher than he expected but he's not sure he cares. She left him. "If you came to say goodbye you're about three years too late."

She shakes her head and a tear spills down her cheek. "I know you probably want an explanation."

"No," he says, surprising himself. "You left, I get it. You don't owe me anything." He began to turn back to the door.

Sarah bites her lip. "Please." And there it was again, that voice. The voice that made him hate himself for hurting her even though she had been the one that had left.

"I love you, Chuck."

"I said I get… what?"

She smiles shyly, but he can still see the fear in her eyes. "I love you, Chuck Bartowski. I love you so much."

It doesn't take anything else and she's in his arms, wrapped tightly in his embrace and he's never going to let her go again. And as he takes in the sweet scent of her hair, brings his lips crashing against hers and feels her smile against his mouth he knows, knows that he could never have really forgotten. Because she's his home.

* * *

The next morning he wakes with a weight over his heart. It isn't anything unusual; his heart's felt heavy ever since she left him. But when he opens his eyes and sees her head lying on his chest he feels a surge of warmth and for the first time in three years he really smiles.

He scoops her up in his arms and plants kisses everywhere he can reach. Sarah giggles and brings his head back to hers as she pulls him in for a kiss. With her pressed up to him tightly he can't help but know that everything is finally real; everything is finally right.

"You're back." He can't keep the smile off his face.

She shakes her head. "I'm home." And then she brings her lips crashing to his once more.


	2. Chapter 2

They lay in bed for an hour when he realises that he hasn't told her yet, hasn't made it one hundred percent clear that he feels the same for her and has done for so long.

She's splayed across his chest, her breathing matching his own with her fingers laced between his. Bringing their joined hands up to his lips he kisses hers softly. Sarah turns to look at him, that beautiful smile gracing her face. His smile.

But still, Chuck can't bring himself to tell her. He's forgiven her, of course he has, but he still needs something from her. She tells him she's staying but she still hasn't told him why she left in the first place. He won't ask, doesn't want to push her but at the same time… he gives a barely audible sigh.

"What's the matter?" She props herself up of her elbow and looks at him. Of course she heard him; she's a superspy.

"Nothing," he lies and kisses her nose.

"Come on," she says, cupping his face in her hand and forcing him to look at her. "Tell me, please."

He sighs again, damn her and those beautiful eyes. He could never resist her anyway. "I wanted to wait until you were ready."

"You want to know why I left." It's not a question; she can tell. She knows him so well but he hardly knows her at all. Chuck nods quietly. He just wanted a few more moments of pure bliss.

"I know I can never justify myself to you," Sarah says, running a hand through her hair. "I can only tell you how sorry I am, and how stupid I was even though I never expect you to properly forgive me."

"I've already –"

She holds a finger to his lips. "Please, let me finish. I'm not good at talking and I need you to not interrupt for a bit. Can you do that?"

Chuck nods and theatrically mimes locking his mouth shut. Sarah laughs and kisses him. "Don't lose the key to that," she warns him. "You might need it again."

She watches him turn red and allows herself a minute before she begins to talk again.

"I was scared," she admits. "Scared because the CIA is the only life I've known since I was seventeen, scared because if they found out about my feelings they'd never think of me as their top agent anymore." She sighs. "But most of all I was scared because I'd fallen so hard for you I didn't know what to do about it. When it comes to the spy world I know what I'm doing, I don't question my motives or second guess but this, here with you," she gestures to the room. "I'm new to this and it still scares the hell out of me."

"So I asked for reassignment. I ran rather than face it and I'm so sorry because you deserve more than that."

Sarah puts her head in her hands and leans into her legs that are now crossed on the bed.

"Can I speak now?" Chuck wants to know.

She gives a wave of her hand and Chuck takes that to mean the affirmative.

"Well first of all, I forgave you already so there's no issue there."

"But Chuck…"

"You came back, Sarah," he reminds her. "It took you a long time, and you never said goodbye but you came back to me. I understand what feeling scared must be like for you, because you're never scared of anything so I can only imagine how big that makes this. But you're here now and that's all that matters."

He gathered her up in his arms and pulled her to him tightly. "And I love you," he added softly in her ear.

Sarah squeezes him tightly. "I don't know how I thought I could have gone the rest of my life without this," she admits, laughing softly so the confession doesn't seem so big. But he realises and it makes him smile into her hair.

She pulls back and strokes his cheek with her thumb and yet again he finds himself getting lost. He knows it's for good this time but he wouldn't have it any other way.

"Are you sure," she asks.

Chuck blinks in surprise. "Sure about what?" he replies, his brow furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Me," she says softly, as though afraid to hear the answer. "How can you just sit here like nothing happened? Like I never hurt you?"

He sighs and shifts back, leaning against the headboard and rubs his hands together. "After you left," he says, "I thought the world had come crashing down. It took a long time before I actually smiled again. Casey tells me it was about three weeks…"

"Oh Chuck –"

"It's fine," he says, taking her hand and lacing his fingers with hers. He gives her a full-watt Bartowski grin. "See, smiling. But after a while I started building up walls around me and I found that it started hurting less. Ironic, isn't it, that when you had left I felt like I was understanding you better because I finally knew why you put up those barriers?"

He gives her hand a squeeze. "Ellie set me up once or twice, and I went out with Caitlin once too."

"Caitlin?" Sarah mumbles, and he thinks he can detect a hint of jealousy in her voice. God he's missed her.

"Beckman assigned her to our team about three months after you left. She was sympathetic at first; I think she even missed you as well but then she decided that I needed extra help on missions. Maybe she even hoped that Caitlin would become to me what you once were."

"And?" Sarah asks, pressing on his hand a little more tightly. "Did she?"

Chuck scoffs. "Give me some credit, Sarah. I don't just fall in love with any old handler, although she was very pretty." He winks. "Brunette too."

Sarah growls and he leans over and kisses her. "I'm kidding, sweetheart. You know you're the only one for me. You have been ever since I met you."

Placated, she smiles and curls back into his chest while he rubs soothing patterns on her hip just below the t-shirt that she stole from him last night. He's fully inclined to let her keep it. She looks much better in it than him anyway.

"But one day Caitlin was suddenly gone. She didn't give any reason, not that she really needed to. I suspect Casey had something to do with it. I reckon he misses you." Suddenly he sits up, jerking Sarah from her place against him.

"Sarah, what are you going to do? Are you going to stay with the agency? Will you be reassigned to the Intersect project? I know you won't be my handler anymore but what are the rules for the two of us then? Will they still stop us being together?"

"Chuck, you're spiralling," she replies. "Let's just take it one thing at a time, ok? But I promise you, they're not splitting us up. Not now. Will you please calm down?" Chuck's still looking worried but as she runs a hand through his hair he begins to settle back down and she lays against him once more, her contented smile back in place.

"That was when Beckman told me I was going to be trained as a real agent; that way me and Casey could be a two man team." He shrugs. "It's been that way ever since."

"You're close now," she says and he knows she's referring to last night when she must have seen them coming home. It surprises him that Casey didn't notice her. Or maybe he did, and just wanted to give Chuck the chance to talk to her privately. "I'm glad you had him there," she continues. "I'm glad that he was there for you when I wasn't."

"Me too," Chuck says quietly and feels her tense up against him. "But last night, when I saw you, all those walls that I had built up came falling straight back down again. I thought I could resist; I told myself that it would be easier to keep my distance." He smiles. "But then you said those three words and I knew there was no way I could live without you." He notices her watching him. "Sorry, too cheesy?"

"A little," she smiles. "But I know what you mean."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I love you, Chuck."

He grins before pulling her towards him. "I love you, Sarah." And it's a long time before either of them speaks again.

* * *

When they reach Ellie's door Sarah tightens her grip on Chuck's hand and he gives her a reassuring smile. Ellie called earlier to invite him to dinner and when he asked her to set an extra place she was ecstatic.

_Sarah sat on the couch, Chuck's head resting comfortably in her lap. They both had their heads turned towards the TV but were playing absentmindedly with each other's hands. _

_It was Sarah who first noticed Chuck's phone ringing and she lifted it from the coffee table, passing it to him. But not before she got a good look at the picture that had popped up on the screen. Ellie Bartowski. _

_"Hey sis," he answered happily, swinging his legs so he could sit up. "You ok?"_

_Sarah couldn't quite make out what Ellie was saying, but Chuck grinned and she could guess quite easily. "I sound happier because I am, El! You'll never guess what -." But he stopped at the sight of Sarah, miming for him to stop._

_"Uh, I'm just excited to see everyone tonight," Chuck faltered into the phone. "We haven't had everyone together for a while." He paused. "Yeah I think Casey's coming. Why don't you pop over and ask him? I think he's got the day off too."_

_"And sis," he added, before hanging up, "do you think you could add an extra place at the table? I kind of want to bring someone."_

_Ellie's squeal of delight could be heard from down the phone and Chuck had to pull it back from his ear, laughing. "You'll see at dinner, El. No, I'm not telling you anything before then. Later, El. Love you, bye."_

_He ended the call and turned to grin at Sarah. "Looks like we've got plans for dinner."_

To be concluded…


End file.
